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Gone Fishing
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Author:  underdog [ Jan Mon 29, 2007 12:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Gone Fishing
One Saturday morning I got up early, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage and hooked the boat up to the truck.

As I drove out of the garage I saw rain pouring down; it is a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50, maybe 60 mph.

I returned the truck back into the garage, came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat away, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible"

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
Author:  Maliboost [ Jan Mon 29, 2007 12:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
LOL.

bob
Author:  bbnova [ Jan Mon 29, 2007 12:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
:shock:
Author:  underdog [ Jan Mon 29, 2007 1:30 pm ]
Post subject: 
Yeeaahh, I thought it was pretty funny, so I posted it.
Author:  Maliboost [ Jan Mon 29, 2007 2:10 pm ]
Post subject: 
Shamelessly stolen from YB.com

Bob



A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair



A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified

at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the

father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

"Not this time!"





The 3rd Affair





A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician

commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home

"I have something to show

you won't believe," he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed,

"Schwartz is dead!"





The 4th Affair





A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you,"

she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied,

"the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too."

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing."





The 5th Affair





A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

"How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied:

"Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?"

The bartender replied:

"The same thing

I'm doing to his business down here."













The 6th Affair



Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted,

"I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied,

" now just rest

and let the poison work."
Author:  Maliboost [ Jan Mon 29, 2007 4:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
More to brighten your day.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5.A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"
"Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I cut off your arms!

13. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".


Bob
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