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First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and
some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater,
but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
domore yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin), prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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